Friday, November 29, 2013

Pretty Inside is Here!

...well, not here on this blog literally. But, it's over at Amazon TODAY, y'all!!!

(Click here for PRETTY INSIDE)

So, excited!!

First time I've felt like I accomplished something. Yes, I graduated from college, but my degree (Finance...don't even ask what I was thinking) doesn't suit me. It's always felt like something I needed to do versus something I was meant to do.

It's like I was looking for something to fit me, something to be proud of, something that screamed, "THIS is what you're supposed to be doing!"

I was searching for my purpose. And that's tough to do when you have no clues to help you.

Did I like writing when I was in school? Eh. Iffy. But, I did get an "A" on my college English research paper.
Did I write poetry and stories when I was a kid? Nope.
Did I make up stories or recreate them and share them with my stuffed animals? Again, no.
Did I say, "When I grow up I want to be a writer!" No.

And yet, somehow,writing feels like home. It's part of my being. It's my purpose. It's me.

Listen to those clues that keep screaming at you, they won't leave you alone for a reason. And if they're not bugging you just yet, don't worry, they will.

Thank you to all who stop by this blog! PRETTY INSIDE is just my beginning.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Black Friday meets Pretty Inside


Crystal Blake's PRETTY INSIDE will be available:

Where: Amazon.com

When: THIS Black Friday, November 29, 2013!!

PRETTY INSIDE is the girlfriend intervention you need. Written with a slice of no-nonsense, a splash of humor, and a sprig of inspiration, it is the "tell it like it is" guide to a better you.



Thursday, November 7, 2013

Just Zip It

I'm walking into Walgreen's at the same time another lady is coming out. I notice her zipper is down. I know I'd want someone to tell me, wouldn't you? Walking around, looking cute-to-def, flashing your polka-dotted undies...it's downright embarrassing.

I'm about to be her new BF. She's going to marvel at my courtesy and thank me for saving her hoo-hoo. I stop her by lightly touching her on the arm and say quietly, "Um, your zipper is down." 

"What?" she asks, a little louder than I wanted her to. Dang it! I'm trying to tell you on the QT your underwear is smiling at everyone...shhh!!!! It wasn't going exactly like I thought it would.

I say a little louder, "Your zipper is down." I look down. She looks down.

Her zipper is NOT down.

Countdown to awkwardness...3, 2, 1...

...there it is.

"Oh, gurrrl!" I say and wave my hand around as I beg my feet to move faster. "I thought your zipper was down. Ha, ha, ha!" And I take off.

I steal a glance and see her staring and laughing. I knew she was laughing at me. The look of "What just happened?" on her face totally backs it up.

In my defense, her jeans were giving off some strong unzippy vibes. They had that golden-brown stitching on BOTH sides of the zipper. What kind of sewing trickery is this?

It's weird, right? I thought it was so odd that I zoomed my eyeballs in on my own zipper area. Yep, just like I thought--one sided.

What designer thinks this is wise? You just can't be throwing random stitching around in that area! I've never paid attention to this before, but now I'm curious. Have you seen this before? Please let me know.

In the meantime...this chick ain't saving no more hoo-hoo's!!!


Can't get enough of my craziness? Check out this bonus read!!



“Ma’am…ma’am! You left your Bag ‘o Crazy in the cart!”

A quick trip to the market after work...

Hmm, what’s on the list? A box of Frazzled.

I thought I was in for some smooth shopping when I saw one of those car-carts The Baby loves waiting near the door as we walked in. Even though maneuvering those suckers makes me feel like I need a CDL, I’m cool with ‘em. I’ll search all over the store and parking lot and don’t care how many carts I have to pull out to get to one. If it allows me to shop in peace, I’ll push that Ford Focus all around the store!

“Mommy, go baff-room.”

“You have to go to the bathroom?” She nodded. She’s potty-training, so this could be a hit or miss.

I whipped around pallets and display stands (what IS all of this stuff?) and down-shifted my 18-wheeler to a rolling stop. I ran in the restroom, yanked off her coat, grabbed the seat liner, and plopped her down…

…she hopped right back off. “Don’t have to.” Miss.

I’ve never had the chance to catch a chicken or pig, but scurrying around behind The Baby (in 3-inch-heels!) to get her to wash her hands had to be close. I finally caught her and after some bumping and scrambling, stuffed her back into the cart.

Frazzled…check. Let’s see…a ½ gallon of Wacky.

I almost had everything when I just happened to look down. Do you know that scene from Marley & Me when Marley is hanging out of the car window and running on the street with his front paws while the car is moving?

My kid was Marley. Jeez, really? I don’t even know how long she’d been doing it or how she managed to not topple out. I repositioned her back into the car and we were off again.

Would you mind bagging that Craziness separately? Thank you!

We checked out and since I only had two light bags I decided to leave the cart where we found it.

“Looks like you need more hands,” a lady says to me as I lifted the bags out of the cart. What? Pfft. Lady, don’t let the bewildered look on this face fool you. I’m a pro-Mommer. I’ve got this.

Bags in right hand, purse slung over my shoulder, The Baby’s hand in my left. This is where I would redeem myself. At Mommy U I majored in carrying multiple things at one time. Chin up. Watch and be amazed people, I thought to myself as I strutted through the parking lot.

Then, the belt around my waist unhooked, leaving me looking all shades of crazy as I scooted, half-ran, and tugged The Baby along with my elbows glued to my side. I was going for the “Oh, we're just having fun!” look, but I don’t think it worked. I wanted to tell the other shoppers who encountered this befuddled person to not judge my mom skills by this incident alone.

Later that night, I carried a pair of boots, a pair of shoes, two coats, my purse, and The Baby up the stairs...at the same time.

*poses at the top of the stairs like a champ...snaps...and walks off*