Wednesday, September 11, 2013

X-Mom Adventures: Jump! Jump!

One morning, I don’t know where my head was. But, I knew where it wasn’t—on my feet! I went to step down off of the porch, felt myself wobbling and falling, and something said, “Jump!”

And so I did…over 3 steep steps, down to the sidewalk…in 3-inch heels.  

Host: Judges? What score do you give for that remarkable interpretation of a 35-year-old woman making a fool out of herself?

Judge 1: *clapping* Oh, that was awesome! I give her an 8. *still clapping"
Judge 2: *standing up/whistling* The best move we've seen this morning. 9!!
Judge 3: *looks up from her manicure, bored* I've seen better...5.

Host: That's a grand total of 22 out of 30...good job! Oh, wait. She just fell over. What a shame. *crowd awws* Judges deduct 5 points for not sticking the landing. 

Yep, I was on my “heels” for about 2 seconds before crashing to the sidewalk, legs and arms in opposite directions. Coffee still in hand (didn’t spill a drop! *woot woot*) and purse still hitched up on my shoulder. I’m sure I resembled a baby giraffe the way I scrambled to get up.

Hubs: “I’m busy making sure The Baby doesn’t drop your phone on the cement and I look down to find you scrambling around my ankles!” FYI: I did NOT know she had my phone…phone snatcher!

The Kid: “Mommy! What are you doing?!” 
Uhh...besides trying to avoid the ER? Oh, I'm just sidewalk diving because I'm having a childhood flashback! 
Then, she says, “Mommy! You were in the air! Nice job!” Great to know the show was Kid Approved.

No broken bones, no scraped elbows. No stained, dirty, or ripped clothing. And best of all my favorite shoes (Aldo Raspberry Peep-Toes) were unscathed. That’s how you fall—er, jump—in style. Give me back my 5 points!

Later that day

I’m walking behind this lady towards the parking deck. She opens the door for herself, doesn’t hold it for me (Heffa...she saw me), which left me shuffling to reach the door before it closed. She goes up the stairs to the upper levels as I head for the lower-level stairs. I'm mentally justifying her rudeness by wondering if she actually saw me (don’t know how she missed me, I was so close I could’ve counted her hair follicles) when I heard stumbling and thudding above my head.

I assume she tripped up the steps. Hmph! I guess she DID do it on purpose and that's what she gets for being an A-Hole!

I told Hubs my superpower is the ability to make people fall. He, in return, asks, “Well, why did you fall then?”

Without missing a beat I answered, “Because that’s how I got it. You know how Spiderman had to get bitten by the spider to become Spiderman? Well…I had to fall to make people fall.”

Don’t believe me? Watch your step…


  1. That is funny! My superpower is crazy vision. I can see 'crazy' from miles away. And yes, I had to become crazy to see crazy!

  2. CJ, that's a pretty good power to have!