Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A Scheduled Affair

Shh...please don't tell. If you had told me a few months ago I was about to cross that line with someone new...well...

* affair? she's so tawdry! ...whisper...pss*

I'm gettin' it on with a Schedule.

Yeah, I strung you along. Sheesh, y'all sure do like some dirt around here! Hmph. *looking at you sideways*

As I was saying. Girls, when you marry an Uber Planner his pen will ultimately feel up your calendar. But, his frisky pen can't take all of the credit. Officially wrapping up Crazy New Momma: The Sequel (that first year and a half packs a wallop doesn't it?) played a part, too.

Since I had my sanity back, I figured it was time for me to stop fakin' like I was makin' it and really get it together.

Enter the dinner schedule.

I cook two meals. Dinner 1 is for Sunday. It's usually fancier than the rest and if I'm really feeling spunky I throw in a dessert, too. Yeah, all the other dinners are probably jealous of her hotness and awesomeness.

Dinner 2 is for Thursday and gets guarded. Seriously. I'm thinking of adopting a Pit Bull. They always want to eat that for Sunday's dinner. I guess she's not so hot afterall, huh? To keep their hungry fingers away from Thursday's dinner I wrap that sucker up tighter than a Christmas present and toss it in the freezer before they see it.

*blows off spatula*

Leftovers from Dinner 1.

A quickie. As in 30 minutes, tops. (Totally ignoring your guttery minds) Example: Sloppy Joes, Pigs in a Blanket, cheesesteaks. And for the Healthy Brigade pointing their carrot sticks at me, I'm not worried about you being all up in our cholesterol. This is Survival of the Mommiest, I'm on a mission.

Leftovers from Tuesday.

Dinner 2 from Sunday gets all hot and bothered in the oven while I ignore that bottle of wine singing, "...blurred lines! You know you want it."

Leftovers from Thursday.

"You better go in the fridge and see what's left," in my Momma Ain't Playin' Voice.

9, 10...let's do it again!

*tosses apron and exits Stage Left*

Fess up, girl! Are you having a scheduled tawdry affair? I'd love to hear about it. (I'm nosy like that)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

X-Mom Adventures: Jump! Jump!

One morning, I don’t know where my head was. But, I knew where it wasn’t—on my feet! I went to step down off of the porch, felt myself wobbling and falling, and something said, “Jump!”

And so I did…over 3 steep steps, down to the sidewalk…in 3-inch heels.  

Host: Judges? What score do you give for that remarkable interpretation of a 35-year-old woman making a fool out of herself?

Judge 1: *clapping* Oh, that was awesome! I give her an 8. *still clapping"
Judge 2: *standing up/whistling* The best move we've seen this morning. 9!!
Judge 3: *looks up from her manicure, bored* I've seen better...5.

Host: That's a grand total of 22 out of 30...good job! Oh, wait. She just fell over. What a shame. *crowd awws* Judges deduct 5 points for not sticking the landing. 

Yep, I was on my “heels” for about 2 seconds before crashing to the sidewalk, legs and arms in opposite directions. Coffee still in hand (didn’t spill a drop! *woot woot*) and purse still hitched up on my shoulder. I’m sure I resembled a baby giraffe the way I scrambled to get up.

Hubs: “I’m busy making sure The Baby doesn’t drop your phone on the cement and I look down to find you scrambling around my ankles!” FYI: I did NOT know she had my phone…phone snatcher!

The Kid: “Mommy! What are you doing?!” 
Uhh...besides trying to avoid the ER? Oh, I'm just sidewalk diving because I'm having a childhood flashback! 
Then, she says, “Mommy! You were in the air! Nice job!” Great to know the show was Kid Approved.

No broken bones, no scraped elbows. No stained, dirty, or ripped clothing. And best of all my favorite shoes (Aldo Raspberry Peep-Toes) were unscathed. That’s how you fall—er, jump—in style. Give me back my 5 points!

Later that day

I’m walking behind this lady towards the parking deck. She opens the door for herself, doesn’t hold it for me (Heffa...she saw me), which left me shuffling to reach the door before it closed. She goes up the stairs to the upper levels as I head for the lower-level stairs. I'm mentally justifying her rudeness by wondering if she actually saw me (don’t know how she missed me, I was so close I could’ve counted her hair follicles) when I heard stumbling and thudding above my head.

I assume she tripped up the steps. Hmph! I guess she DID do it on purpose and that's what she gets for being an A-Hole!

I told Hubs my superpower is the ability to make people fall. He, in return, asks, “Well, why did you fall then?”

Without missing a beat I answered, “Because that’s how I got it. You know how Spiderman had to get bitten by the spider to become Spiderman? Well…I had to fall to make people fall.”

Don’t believe me? Watch your step…

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Guess Who Moved In?

"Hey, we need a girlfriend moment," my brain says to me in her "I Mean Business" tone.

I groan inwardly. No telling where this is going.

"Chris is moving in."

"Who in the heck is Chris?" I mentally do a head count of all the tenants in the Creative Condo. Chris wasn't one of them.

It was her turn to roll her eyes. "Your blog!" She sucked her teeth at me. "I swear--."

"Waaiit a second," I say, cutting her off. "What do you mean she's moving in? You mean like permanently? Heck no! She signed a 31-day lease. As a matter of fact, she didn't even have a lease before."

"Nope, not anymore. Thanks to you accepting that challenge she says she's not leaving."

"She's not leaving! Who told her--."

"I told her she could stay," she interrupts.

"You told her? All of that grief you gave me for taking the challenge and now you want her to stay? Like, indefinitely?"

"Yup. Funny how the mind works," she says and cracks up laughing.

"Ha, HA," I say sarcastically and roll my eyes so far back in my head I can see Chris pulling out paint swatches.

"Besides, you know you can't lie to me. You know you've been going through Blogger Withdrawal for 4 days now." She chuckles and shakes her head. "I don't know why you thought you'd be able to stop like that."

She's right. She's always right.

"Fine, she can stay, but I'm telling you now--I'm NOT blogging everyday." I defiantly cross my arms. Hmph, take that!

Disregarding me, she continues on. "Oh, and she wants to talk about making changes to the blog."

My eyebrows shoot up to my hairline. "Changes!"

She laughs at me. "Girl, quit playing. I'm going to see if she needs help unpacking."

I yell after her. "Hey...hey! I'm NOT blogging everyday!" I huff. "Coming up in here, being all bossy. Changes? They've lost their minds..." I mumble.

"Less mumbling, more typing," she calls to me.

I ignore her and pull out my notes.