Tuesday, May 3, 2011

X-Mom Adventures: The Hubs vs. The Belly

On October 10, 2010, I said "I Do" to absolutely THE best man in the world.  I know women say it all the time, but seriously, I wouldn't trade him in for anything.  But, right now if I spot a cupcake I may have to weigh my options a little more considerably.  See, The Hubs and I (mainly me...actually ALL me...now that I think of it, that cupcake is looking better and better) are expecting a bundle of cuteness in July.

So, here goes...

The day of the ultrasound...

All was calm as we arrived at the hospital for the much awaited ultrasound.  For five months we had been patiently (yeah, right) waiting to see if our future would consist of Barbie or X-Men.  Honestly, after a few years of Barbie stuff with The Kid I was okay with the X-Men defeating Magneto (and I'm sure Spiderman) in my living room.  I mean, hello?  Who doesn't like Wolverine?  Of course, you can figure out what The Hubs wanted.

Yup.  The Hubs was eating, sleeping, breathing, B-O-Y.  "Speaking things into existence" became a serious mantra in our house.  No "girl" conversations, baby names, pink stuff...nada.  As a matter of fact, he was channeling "boy" so hard; I'm surprised he didn't ban me and The Kid from the house in case our double shot of Estrogen cancelled out the Testosterone mission.  I mean we weren't getting an ultrasound to reveal the gender of the baby.  Nope.  It was Boy Confirmation.

As the day grew closer I would occasionally ask him if he was prepared to hear the alternative.  I mean, it's not like we were picking out produce in the market.  Let's see...hmmm...mango, red pepper, or ooh ooh strawberries!  Uh, no.  Our choices consisted of pink or blue.  Period.

But, on U-Day he had his Braveheart-Gladiator-game face on and was just shy of thumping his chest like a Silverback.  The ultrasound technician squirted jelly on my stomach.  A hush fell over the room as The Hubs stopped breathing.  As the technician rolled the wand (it is a wand, right?) around he remained quiet.  Probably because his heart was skittering around in his chest so much (I didn't believe the Silverback routine for a second) he was afraid if he talked it would hop out of his mouth.

And then the moment came.  Drum roll please.  A girl!  Correction.  Another girl!

Suddenly, a gush of wind appeared that sent papers flying all over the room.  I braced myself as a tornado engulfed the room, threatening to suck us up.  What the hell was going on?  I thought X-Mom had appeared and I was whirling around the room, but that didn't make sense.  Then, I saw it.  There in the eye of the storm swirled football helmets, baseball bats, and golf clubs.  Little League practices, cleats, and basketball goals.  Shaving cream, tiny Superman underwear, and dinosaur PJs joined the party.  But, it wasn't a tornado.  It was all of The Hubs' built up testosterone whooshing from his body at one time and it packed so much force it burst out of the room slamming the door behind it.

Manhood T.K.O.

I knew in his mind, as in any other man's mind, his ego had been dealt a crushing blow.  I let him tend to his wounds in his own way as we walked to the car.  It was going to take him some time to wrap his head around everything.  As we got in the car we noticed a note taped to the steering wheel.  It read:

Dear Mr. H.,
Yay!  I'm super excited about the fabulous fun we're going to have!
Now, I've already put you on the VIP list for the SUPER exclusive tea parties.  The Dress-Up Gala is also coming up and I'll keep you posted on what to wear.  FYI:  Feather boas are a must!

P.S.--I've left you a gift!
Hugs and Kisses!
Barbie xoxoxo

His eyes shot up to his forehead as he turned to look in the back seat.  There on the seat was a hot pink Barbie convertible car with a pink glittery bow.  But, before I could speak (or laugh) the door suddenly flew open and all I saw was his heart zooming across the parking lot, yelping with its tail between its legs.

Oh boy.  Or should I say, oh girl.

Update:
The Hubs recovered within 24 hours from the initial shock and is looking forward to his pink tutus with purple glitter life.  His ego was not damaged or bruised from my "interpretation" of the events.