Tuesday, September 28, 2010

X-Mom Adventures: X-Mom vs. The Water Queen

Night falls on the city...

It was bath time and The Kid had just finished taking a shower in her bathroom.  She walked into my room with a towel on her head and another wrapped around her body.  I'm puzzled because I know I have a jillion things flopping around in my head and things tend to get lost, but I know I didn't say, "Wash your hair, too."  So, as I pondered this she said, "I need a towel."  Again, puzzled.  What?  She already had two.  Did she need a third as a jump rope?  And because she's a mind reader she said, "I have water on my floor."  Big whoop, I thought to myself.  I told her to get another towel.  She turned to walk away and paused.  "Did you say to put the shower curtain on the outside when I take a shower?" (A previous conversation)  I said, "No.  Put it on the inside when you take a shower, outside when you take a bath."

I know you're thinking something smelled funky and I should have picked up on it.  But, in my defense this was the same night I was terrorized by the swimsuits.  So, I was occupied with throwing up, crying, texting my girlfriends, and coaxing my self-esteem from under the bed where it was shamelessly hiding with its tail between its legs.  But, after a few minutes I kept hearing water sounds coming from her bathroom.  Curiosity whispered--more like screamed--for me to check things out.  I walked into her bathroom and found her frantically mopping up water with a paper towel.

I cocked my head to the side like a dog because this helps all my thoughts empty to one side of my brain and I think better.  Actually, I just didn't know what else to do.  My eyes spotted something orange in the tub.  Her bathrug.  What the H?  I walked forward to get a better look and the water seized me and pulled me under to take me back to the Water Queen's lair.  I could feel X-Mom clawing to get out and when she broke free we whirled to the surface.  I back stroked past The Kid to reach the bedroom door and saw panic plastered on her face like measles. 

Maybe it was the water sloshing around in my head or those damn swimsuits (their timing was grand, huh?), but I just could not wrap my head around what to do!  I headed for the kitchen hoping a game plan was waiting beside the Lemon Joy.  Nothing.  My utility closet held a Swiffer, a broom, and a dustpan.  Unless there were dust bunnies surfing in her bathroom I was screwed.  I convinced X-Mom that maybe it wasn't that bad.  So, I went back for a second look.

When, I reached the door The Kid had traded in the paper towel for a wash cloth.  Not wanting to fall in again, I eased towards the tub and stepped in about a half-inch of water that pretty much covered the entire floor.  So, it wasn't exactly the Water Queen's lair, but she had enough H20 to fill a friggin' kiddie pool!  Again, I exited the bathroom in search for a plan.  Or, a water noodle.  I opened my linen closet to find neither, so I eyed my towels.  Did I have enough?  I needed a third look.

I went back and found The Kid pushing the Swiffer around.  No cloth, just the naked Swiffer.  She was just pretty much rearranging the water like some form of aquatic Feng Shui.  Great.  I took a deep breath and told her that wasn't going to get the water up.  She left, taking the Swiffer with her, and didn't return.  I sighed and pulled towels from her linen closet.  I set the first towel down and the water ran away snickering as if the towel was "It."  About three towels in I heard a little voice, "I made you a sandwich."  I looked up to see a peace offering dressed up like a bologna and cheese sandwich  hovering in the doorway.  X-Mom weakened.  I thanked her and told her to put it in the kitchen for me.

Six towels, three washcloths (The Kid), a bath rug, a paper towel, and a naked Swiffer later, the Water Queen was defeated and the kiddie pool was closed for the summer.  Her shower curtain is now Super-Glued to the inside of her tub.

Stay tuned for the next adventures of X-Mom and The Kid...

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