Monday, July 19, 2010

Evolution of the Thong

Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
(Sisqo, "Thong Song")

How did it happen?  For years we cruised through the decades never knowing something like that could exist.  They crept quietly onto the tables and racks at stores.  They hid in catalogues.  Then, the moment came for them to reign in all their cheekless glory.  The female jock strap, G-string, dental floss, sling shot.  They created a new era.  Welcome to Generation Thong. 

Seriously, love 'em or hate 'em, we need them.  I don't care what anyone says, panty lines are never ever cute!  And hello if you get a wedgie it's everyone's business. 

Somewhere over the past 12 years I've morphed into a full-fledged thonger.  And proud of it.  The process was gradual, though.  It used to be I only wore them with tight pants or skirts.  Now, I wear them with everything!  Not a stretch since everything is tight now.

Honestly, I don't see how we ever made it without them.  For those of you that feel as if something is stuck up your bum, I understand.  But, there is a method.  You have to get the ones with the skinniest string possible.  And they have to be your right size.  If you wear a large don't buy a small because that string will engage in tug of war and you'll be wearing your buttcrack as a belly ring by the end of the day.  Painful.

I admit my opinion is probably a little biased.  So, I figured I would give "underwear" another shot.  I took a pair of regular Jane's for a walk one day just to see what I had been missing.  And you know what?  I'm really choked up about picking my ass all day.

I had on a dress and everything was fine.  While I was home.  As soon as I stepped outside the Jane's went spelunking.  All day long they rooted around.  I pulled one side out and the other marched in.  A few times both sides went for it.  I guess one side didn't want to be outdone by the other.  And what were they looking for?  Hieroglyphics on my colon wall?

I picked, pulled, shimmied, and wriggled to no avail.  And you know there is no discreet way to pick a wedgie in public.  It was one of the most uncomfortable things ever.  Either, I've been wearing thongs for so long that I've forgotten the wedgie invasion or they got together the night before and lubed the inside of the Jane's with Crisco.

I was so disgusted I threw the Jane's across the room as soon as I got home, vowing to never wear them in public again.

"Hey.  Don't blame us."  They said.  "We just wanted to see what it was like."
"What are you talking about?"
"Everyone wants a thong these days so we wanted to see what the fuss was about."
"But...your underwear.  You're not designed to be a thong!  You're supposed to be on the butt, not in it!"
"Just trying something new."
"Oh, yeah?"  I said sarcastically.  "What did you think?"
"Eh, overrated."

Jeez.  Everyone wants to be something else.

1 comment: